last updated : 13th Apr '99

THE JOKES PAGE

SHORT-ONES
DON'T YOU KNOW
These three guys go down to some Latin American country one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they`ve done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so we better let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy`s side, so they better let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I`m a Fightin` Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I`ll tell you right now you`ll never electrocute anybody if you don`t connect those two wires."

OOPS
Man calls home.Maid answers phone.He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool."He asks, "Is this 555-1234?" contributed by Parichay Joshi

BORDER-LINE CASE
A man, whose wife was in hospital to deliver a child, had fixed a code with the nurse on duty so that she could send himn a message in the office telling him the child's gender. If it was aboy, she would say he had passed. If a girl, she would say he had failed. In due course, the man's boss called him and said, "There was a phone call for you from some agitated lady. She said that you got a compartment

THE WHITE BUNNY RABBIT
You, and 2 of your friends got killed and were sent to heaven, where there was only one rule. You could not ever step on the white bunny rabbit. So, you and 1 of your friends are walking along and see your other friend making out with this really ugly person! The 2 of you ask your friend why he/she is making out with this ugly person. The friend says, "I stepped on the white bunny rabbit". Then later, you and your friend that had stepped on the white bunny rabbit were walking along and saw your other friend making out with an even wrost looking person!! The 2 of you ask your friend why he/she is making out with this uglyperson. The friend says, "I stepped on the white bunny rabbit" Now, the 2 friends who stepped on the white bunny rabbit are walking and see YOU making out with this beautiful model! The 2 friends ask you how you managed to get her/him. The model then turned around and says,"I stepped on the white bunny rabbit"
contributed by Parichay Joshi

OH GOD STAY AWAY!!
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the 1st guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years. The 2nd guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed theman's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

DIG-IT
The archaeologist was thrilled beyond words when, after digging in Australia, he found a tablet with symbols carved upon it. Carbon dating placed it at nearly two thousand years old, which made the find even more significant. "If we look at these symbols," said the archaeologist at a press conference, "we can infer several things about the society that carved them." Displaying the tablet, he pointed out the symbols in turn. "The presence of the cross," said he, "indicates that Christianity had reached Australia not long after its founding. Next,the presence of a shovel suggests that the early Australians were builders. The third symbol, what looks to be a donkey, proves that they had domesticated animals, while the fourth picture, a baby fowl, demonstrates that they were farmers." "Bull!" shouted a man in the audience, an archaeologist noted for his bizarre ideas. "Anyone with half a brain knows that it's really early Australian pornography." "Oh?" the discoverer of the tablets said smugly, "and how do you know that?" "Because," he replied, "what it really says is, 'Christ, dig the ass on that chick!' "

THE RESPECTFUL ONE
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass on the street near the edge of the course. The golfer set downhis putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to liningup his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, just to pay your respects.""Well, we were married for 25 years."

BLOND-WAVE
A blonde walks in to a pawn shop. She looks around for a while and then approaches the clerk. "I would like to buy that TV overthere." The clerk says "I am sorry lady we don't serve blondes here." The blonde leaves in a huff. The next day she returns wearing a brunette wig. "I'd like to purchase that TV." Again the clerk says "Lady I told you yesterday we don't serve blondes here." Now the blonde is furious. The next day she dresses like a man (a suit, tie, mustache, etc.). She approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice, "I would like to purchase the TV over there!" The clerk says "Lady I told you twice already we do not sell to blondes here!". She says to the clerk "How can you tell? Yesterday I wore a wig, today I am dressed like a man, how can you tell it is me??" He laughs and says, ''Because that's a microwave!!!!''


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